4:The Last Gonzo Joy Ride to the End of the Galaxy

Episode 4

The slide control flashed red, indicating an external lockout. They couldn’t move.

Testicleeze whispered, “Stall the flic.”

Damitol turned on the mike, but didn’t enable her holimager. “Officer Cloudburst?”

“Clodburt.” His fat face turned red in his hologram. He appeared to be some kind of matter-only quadruped with a long, wide snout.

“Oh, I’m sorry, officer. Could you focus the imager on your badge. I need to make a note of the number.”

The cop pulled the focus to his badge, but at the same time he growled. “Experienced at being pulled over, are you?”

“Why, no sir. This is my first time. But, you know, I watch the InterWeb.”

Testicleeze made a notation on a pad: Mall cop. Not to worry.

The holimage widened to show the cop grimacing. “You puttin’ this on record, aren’t you?”

“Why officer Coldsore, why ever would I do that.” Damitol sounded so sweet the officer just had to believe that she had, indeed, initiated a recording.


“Of course, that’s what I said. Now, your badge number is 5498165KHU84568, right?”

“O,” he said, “not U. KHO.”

She made him lean into the holimager again. “Oh, yes, O. Not U. Oh, I mean, it is you, but your badge lacks U, does it?”

He sneered into the holimager. “Display your travel passes. Don’t make me ask again.”

While Damitol was talking to the cop, Testicleeze rummaged in his bag of technotoys. He found a klystron, then smiled at Damitol. “One minute. Stall,” he mouthed at her.

She nodded and moved around to make random noises for a few seconds. The slide control continued to flash red.

She spoke to the cop. “They’re in my luggage.”

“Show them.”

“I’ll have to go back and unstrap the bags.”

She heard his growl again. “Do it now, missie.”

“Was that a sexist remark, Officer Klondyke? Because I have your badge number.”

“No, young lady. Had I called you a little crangsot, that would have been sexist. But I didn’t call you that, did I?”

“Almost ready,” Testicleeze mouthed. He’d connected the klystron to a black box of electronics.

“No sir, you did not. If you had, you’d be a bulviating klapwad. But I guess you were just rude, not sexist.”

“Are you waiting until you flork, young lady? I want those documents.”

She said, “I had to find the keys to the luggage.”

Testicleeze gave her a thumbs-up and pointed to the slide control. Damitol rested a tentacle above the flashing red button. He flipped a switch on the black box and the slide button on her console changed to a green GO. She pushed it and they slid away.

“Again,” he said.


“Anywhere, just go.”

Damitol spun the destination controls and slid, then repeated that two more times.

When they came to rest, she turned to Testicleeze. “What did you do?”

“I bulviated his system. The klystron fed his stasis field back on him. His ride won’t move without serious help.”

“How can that work?”

“Mall cops. Their vehicles aren’t real cop-jungers, just jazzed up econo-jungers. I knew he wouldn’t have countermeasures installed. It was a simple fix.”

“Testicleeze,” she said, a tremble in her voice, “now we’re really gonzo fugitives.”


Image of galactic center in infrared from NASA.

Stay tuned for the next adventure in the joy rides of Damitol and Testicleeze.

But wait, get more free stuff from Mark by clicking here. What will you get? A story about Merlin the magician coming to Texas. Just one thing, he has to make sure the ship he’s on makes it through a hurricane. Did he stow away on the wrong vessel?

You can find a glossary of gonzo terms here.



About andersen52

I am author of the contemporary fantasy series Merlin's Thread. The first novel is Merlin's Knot.
This entry was posted in Fiction, Gonzo Joy Ride, Writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to 4:The Last Gonzo Joy Ride to the End of the Galaxy

  1. Pingback: The Last Gonzo Joy Ride to the End of the Galaxy | Mark Andersen

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